‘DON’T JUST DO SOMETHING, STAND THERE!

Picture a world where people listen to one another with compassion and empathy, without judgments or criticism and with a genuine desire to meet the needs of all. Now bring this vision into your own home, into your own family life. Imagine that you don’t frantically threaten to bin Bob The Builder when your child hits their little sister for the fifth time that day. Visualize that after five minutes of reasoning with your two year old to put their coat on because it’s raining outside, you don’t regress into a raving lunatic who is beside themselves with frustration or have to take out a loan to buy the new toys you were bribing them with! Wouldn’t it be great to be able to communicate with these all important little people in a way that encourages understanding and harmony? Take heart because it is possible!

Marshall B. Rosenberg is the man behind Non Violent Communication,(NVC) a profoundly inspiring tool, a ‘language of life.’ This system guides us through the quagmire of blame, accusations and emotions to a place where connection, understanding and compassion are encouraged and the results are truly amazing. Marshall Rosenberg has used NVC within the most intense situations of conflict as a means of resolution, between Israelis and Palestinians, between rival street gangs in the USA, within prisons, schools, the work place and its power seems almost magical.

It is however, pretty challenging! It’s challenging because through NVC we begin to see how our habitual ways of communicating are deeply entrenched in some fairly destructive patterns. Patterns such as being unable to really listen, as needing to be right, as having to blame, be defensive, superior or judgmental. All these factors stand in the way between us being able to really connect with the true needs of another person and being able to express our own needs in ways that can be received.

This is the essence of NVC — communication with empathy and compassion in order to develop strategies which meet everyones needs. The foundation of this process is based upon four fundamental steps, observation, feelings, needs and a request. Let’s take a really common situation — the house is messy and mum really wants the kids to tidy up! This is a scenario which could easily escalate into mum ranting and raving and the kids slamming into their rooms, mum then feels guilty that she lost her temper again and kids feel hurt and judged. On top of this, the house is still full of objects lying around and regardless of who actually picks them up, the whole scene will probably play itself out again the very next day! How exhausting and frustrating for everyone.

Now let’s look at this using NVC. First we observe what is actually happening in the situation without judgement or evaluation. For example,

(take a deep breath!)

“I see that there are clothes and books and coloring pencils lying on the floor.” This is very different to saying,

“This house is a complete mess and I can’t stand it anymore.”

As yet no-one feels directly accused. Following the observation mum would state her feelings and her needs towards the situation, being very conscious to be clear, specific and honest. For example,

(and another deep breath, you’re doing well!)

“When the house looks like this I feel irritated because I have a need for more order.” again, this is very different to saying,

“I can’t bare this chaos, it makes me so angry!”

The forth step following the observation, feeling and need is a request,

“Would you be willing to put the books back on your shelf and the pens in the drawer?” This may well get your needs meet more effectively than,

“Tidy up right now or else! ”

Here a child has not been threatened or bribed or made to feel like they are a terrible person because of this mess. They have been offered a couple of very specific tasks rather than a potentially overwhelming and vague, “tidy up!” They have been given the opportunity to clearly hear mum’s needs and been asked if they would like to contribute to meeting that need.

Naturally this whole process is a two way street. As we are asking for our needs to be acknowledged, we honour our children with the same practice. This may challenge an in-built principle that just because we are the parent we should be obeyed. Marshall Rosenberg talks about the need to see our children as people who we want to connect with and show respect to, rather than seeing them as just a ‘child’ who must do as they are told.

Let’s return to the above scenario and see how a request is a very different thing to a demand wrapped up in some nice words! A request needs to be presented with a genuine openness to hear the answer or else we are back at square one. We can retrain ourselves to hear a ‘no’ as a beginning rather than a signal to loose it!

“Would you be willing to put the books back on your shelf and the pens in the drawer?”

“ No.”

Here, we can choose to look at their needs rather than react with something like,

“I’ve asked you nicely, now do it!”

We can choose to give equal respect to their needs. We could try to sense what is going on for them.

“Are you feeling overwhelmed by the thought of tidying up all this on your own?”

“No, I’m just right in the middle of my game.”

“OK, can we talk about how to meet your need to have free play and my need to have some order?”

Together you could brain storm some ideas but it is really important to give your child space to make their own suggestions. I used to have a daily drama with my six year old daughter who just didn’t seem to be able to get dressed for school in the mornings. The closer it would get to having to leave the more cross I would become and the more flustered she would feel. One day I sat down with her in the afternoon when she wasn’t hungry or tired and said, “shall we have a chat about our mornings and see if there’s a way we could make them more fun for everyone?” She got really into the conversation when she realized I wasn’t telling her off and she heard that I wasn’t going to nag her anymore because that was not how I truly wanted to talk to her. She came up with the idea that she would choose what to wear for school the night before and together we made some special hooks for her to hang her clothes upon. Brilliant — now she doesn’t leave the house crying and I don’t chastise myself for being a rubbish mum.

This is another key point within NVC — when we are internally ‘violent’ towards ourself it is difficult to be genuinely compassionate towards others. For example, you loose your temper and dole out punishment because your child drew on the wall after being told not to.

“How dare you do that again, I’ve told you before walls are not for drawing on, now get to your bedroom!”

Now you feel guilty for shouting so loudly and deep down you know that punishment isn’t really the answer.  (We ask ourselves, “What do we want our child’s reasons to be for doing or not doing something?” ) You tell yourself off and want to rush into their bedroom with hot chocolate to make up with them. You have not taken a minute to really look at your own needs in this situation and be compassionate with yourself. Rather than feeling terrible and reacting from a place of guilt you can use this situation as an opportunity to develope your NVC skills towards yourself and your child. You go into their room.

“I lost my temper when I saw that you had drawn on the wall again. I felt angry because I have a need to feel heard. Would you talk to me about why you have done this again? ”

This makes way for a conversation where you can help your child understand their actions, where your need to be heard and have clean walls is acknowledged. You have also given yourself enough compassion to overcome feelings of guilt which rarely lead to clarity within a situation.

We begin to see that NVC is more than learning to speak calmly. It is actually a way of life, a commitment to opening our hearts to ourselves and to others which is no small feat but is a deeply enriching process. There are workshops held all over the world to help people embrace this system. Within these workshops,there is an interesting use of animal imagery which children can really resonate with.  A jackal represents our more habitual ways of communicating and a giraffe is used to show how we can communicate with curiosity, compassion, and a desire to connect. Inbal Kashtan is a highly experienced NVC facilitator who specializes in the area of children and parents. She explains how the puppets are used to demonstrate our habits, “usually in ways that people can recognize from their own experience and find humorous.”  The jackal ears represent how we experience life through this lens of judgments and demands. When turned inward, they represent ways we judge ourselves (e.g. ‘I’m controlling.’) When turned outward, they represent ways we judge others (e.g. ‘She’s controlling.’).” The giraffe ears are used in the same way, sometimes we need to give compassion to ourselves and at others we need to be compassionate towards others.

For example, your three year old doesn’t want to eat their dinner and this has been going on all week. Instead of wearing your jackal ears pointed towards them and saying something like,

“I’ve just cooked that meal for you and it’s dinner time now so just eat up, I’m getting really sick of this!”

You could put on your giraffe ears instead,

“I’m really curious about why you don’t seem to want to eat at dinner time at the moment?”

As Inbal reiterates, NVC with our children is not about getting them to do what we want them to do more easily. It is about developing a mutual cooperation, an “open hearted desire to work together to meet everyone’s needs.” Within NVC there are these great giraffe glasses and when you are wearing them you can see what the feelings and needs beyond anger, pain, whining or a tantrum! Be patient with yourself, Inbal reminds us,

“ this level of transformation takes time.”

The inherent beauty in this process is that, as we embrace NVC into our relationships with children we are teaching them self respect and respect for others, self compassion and compassion for others. We are helping them to understand their own needs and feelings and giving them the opportunity to enjoy deep relationships which exist beyond a place of reaction. These elements can change homes from places of conflict to places of harmony and like all drops in the ocean, can gradually change the world from a place of conflict to a place of harmony.

Get a pen, get some paper, sit down and write:

A recipe for:
A memorable day
Your ideal meal
The perfect crime
A terrifying moment

Let the words fly free from logical constraints, keep your pen moving and lock those critics in your mind in the bathroom for half an hour.

Enjoy

Words and Voice Over by Kim Henry
Music Production by Stephen Bellm of Kashi Kollective
Film made by Lilian Simonsson

If you would like a beautiful piece of film to promote your business or project then please get in touch.

Look out for her workshops at festivals around NC this Spring and Summer!

Contact Kim for more details and information about her classes.